Security "Bits"

NSA announces "Activity-Based Marketing Platform"

By Rich Campagna | April 1, 2014 at 8:00 AM


Fort Meade, MD (April 1, 2014)

The National Security Agency (NSA) today announced general availability of their new, Activity-based Marketing Platform. This new platform offers businesses unparalleled insights into user behaviors, allowing them to provide targeted offerings that were never before possible.

General Nathan Hale, newly appointed Undersecretary of Business Development for the NSA explained, “those in Silicon Valley might call this a ‘pivot,’ but really, this was in our plans all along. The approach was to build out a platform for data collection, which we have done with the help of partners like Google and AT&T, and then figure out how to monetize further down the line. That time is now, and I couldn’t be more excited.”

General Hale went on to explain, “if I’m in the beer aisle of the grocery store, standing in front of the Miller Lite, our system will pick up on that, allowing Bud Light to swoop in and text me a $1 off coupon if I purchase right then. I call that a win for me, and a win for Bud Light!”

The new system provides real-time intelligence on the location, behaviors, discussions, and more of nearly 314 million Americans. Businesses can access this information in order to provide targeted offers and advertisements. These offers can then be sent automatically via the NSA system over text, email, web, social media, and phone.

President Obama offered his support for the new program. “If I’m heading back to 1600 Penn late after a meeting with Congress at The Capitol Building, and Michelle texts me and asks me to pick up some Pizza Hut, why not let Little Caesar’s post a picture of their hot-n-ready pizza to my Instagram, along with a coupon for a free Crazy Bread with my medium pepperoni? What is this, communist Russia? Who wouldn’t love free Crazy Bread?”

The system also finds terrorists and other threats to our nation's security.

Pricing wasn’t immediately available, but General Hale explained that “by the time you call us, we already know how much you’re willing to pay.”

Full details of the program are available here.



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